My children are at the age that watching TV or movies is one of their favorite activities. The problem is that nearly everything they want to watch has some attitudes, language, or behavior that I don’t approve of. It also seems that these negative aspects are what my children remember most and tend to copy. How can I protect my children from that? Many parents today share the same concern. They realize the importance of monitoring and sometimes restricting what their children view and listen to, and certainly it is their right and responsibility to do so. At the same time, it is virtually impossible for parents to shield their children from every negative influence that comes their way. If the children don’t get exposed to these things via TV, movies, and computer games, they will through their peers or other avenues. You can’t always protect your children from the negative, but you can counter it. Here’s how: Make it a practice to watch with your children and to discuss the show with them afterwards, with the goal of helping them get the most positive and the least negative from the experience. This also gives you an opportunity to discuss problem attitudes or behavior from a third-party perspective—”What do you think that character should have done in that situation?” Over time, this will help your children form strong personal values, as well as teach them to be more selective in what they watch. It’s important to preview the material whenever possible, or at least read the reviews on it so you are aware of the content. This gives you a chance to make sure it is age-appropriate and otherwise suitable for your children. It also gives you time to think about what lessons or information can be gained. Think in terms of, “How can this benefit my children?” If you draw a blank, it’s probably not worthwhile for your children to watch. Gear both viewing and discussion to the age of the children. Videos have an advantage over “live” TV in that you can pause to answer their questions. So if you can, record shows and then show them to your kids later. (That way you can also skip the commercials, which pitch some products you may feel would not be good for your children.) If young children are going to be scared or not understand certain parts, then stop and explain or fast-forward. Older children usually prefer to watch the movie straight through and have the discussion afterwards. In your discussion, the objective is to get the children to think about what they have just watched, and to help them arrive at more mature conclusions than they would on their own. Children learn better by asking questions and thinking things through than they do when all the answers are supplied too quickly. Also, they tend to more readily accept guidance when it comes in the form of answers to their questions or thought-provoking questions that you put to them, than they do when they feel they are being “preached to.” As you watch, you may also want to make note of points that you could use as springboards for more fun, positive, educational interaction with your children, such as reading more about historical figures, places, events, or activities depicted in the show, or taking them for an outing that somehow relates to the show. You just might be surprised at how much your children can benefit from movies and documentaries with a little guidance. They can learn about life and human nature; they can learn how to deal with crises and hardships; they can learn to empathize; they can see that bad choices have consequences, and thus learn from others’ mistakes. So while potentially harmful if not properly channeled, movies and TV can actually be a good teaching tool and bring your family closer together if used selectively. Excerpted from Activated magazine. Used with permission.
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![]() The simplicity of the experiment at the day-care center and the starkness of the results stunned the parents. When a class of two- to five-year-olds watched public television’s big-hearted purple dinosaur, “Barney,” they sang along, marched along, held one another’s hands, and laughed together. The next day, the same class watched the aggressive teenage avengers, “Power Rangers.” Within minutes, they were karate-chopping and high-kicking the air—and one another. “Even though the goal of these programs isn’t to teach, our kids are learning because they’re always learning,” says David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family, who conducted the experiment. According to the National Television Violence Study, prime-time violence, on both broadcast and cable networks, has increased since 1994. The study also concluded that the way violence is portrayed in most instances—glamorized, sanitized, and without negative consequences—poses a serious risk to children. “These patterns teach children that violence is desirable, necessary, and painless,” says Dale Kunkel of the University of California at Santa Barbara, where the study was done. ***** Children imitate what they see and hear, and they seem to have a penchant for copying the negative. Young children, especially, can't always tell the difference between good or bad, and it's even harder when those guilty of some of the worst behavior are made to look so enviable, so "good," in other ways—good looking, affluent, popular, smarter than the adults, and free to do as they please. Children are in the process of forming the values that they will carry with them through life, and it's their parents' responsibility to guide that process. Parents are failing at that job if they let their children watch what they want without any parental guidance or explanation as to what is acceptable civil behavior and what isn't. And that goes for shows that are supposedly geared to children, even the ones that are meant to be educational. Just because a movie or TV show is rated for children doesn't necessarily mean that it's good for your children. Parents need to take personal responsibility for that decision. They also have a responsibility to steer their children away from the negative, either by not exposing their children to it in the first place, or by explaining why it's bad and not to be imitated. If you're a parent, you need to take a long, hard look at what's out there and decide if that's how you want your children to turn out, because what they watch and listen to and imitate today, they will become tomorrow. - D.B. Berg Excerpted from the writings of Maria Fontaine
Part of helping your children to grow and mature is teaching them how to make the right choices in a variety of situations, and allowing them to have the exposure or experiences that will bring their lessons to life. The sooner you can teach them how to be discerning and make the right decisions on their own, the safer they will be and the better prepared they will be for the decisions they alone can make. A practical example of this is if you have a pool on your property. You might build a fence around it to avoid accidents, but you’d also want to teach your child to swim, and over time help him become a strong swimmer. The fence is protecting him initially, but you’re also preparing him to handle water safely by teaching him to swim. Imparting these life lessons cannot happen solely in the classroom. These “life lessons” are learned over time, and require lots of communication and discussion and experience in order for children to understand and to grow in these areas. These experiences and lessons will make them wiser, stronger, more well rounded, more mature, more perceptive and understanding, and will help them to be much better equipped for life. Experience is good for your children and prepares them for life, if you help them to learn through it. What does it mean to prepare children for life? It means giving thought to how to help your children progress through the natural stages of growth and development, being aware and abreast of what their peers are into or facing, and preparing your children for times when they may have to face similar things. It means teaching your children to have courage when they’re faced with difficult situations, and how to approach new situations responsibly and with confidence. It means teaching your children how to judge what’s right and wrong, and how to act with integrity, self-discipline, conviction, love, tolerance, and strength of character. These are life lessons that you impart to your children because they are components of good character that will help to set your child’s moral compass for life. Those childhood character-building lessons will serve them well throughout life, and you parents are key instructors in educating your children in this way, because through imparting your personal convictions and values, you are helping your children to find the right direction in their life. It’s well worth the effort to do your best to teach your children how to make their way through the negative or questionable aspects of society, to accurately judge right from wrong, and to base their decisions and actions on godly ethics and perspective. Children today face many influences, and they will face more in the course of life. Some will be positive, some will be negative, and many will be somewhere in between. You might want to spend some time discovering what your children are facing that you might not have been aware of. You could talk to others that your children interact with and ask them for their opinion. Being prepared is far better than being surprised, and by giving time and thought and discussion to the possibilities, you can be better prepared for the various scenarios your children might face in the future, or that they are possibly already facing. It’s only natural that children will sometimes make poor or wrong decisions, because they’re experimenting and still learning to apply the training you’ve given them. That’s why your active involvement in their lives as they encounter influences, fulfilling your responsibility to counsel them through the questions and help them determine how to make good decisions, provides them with ongoing “preparation training.” It’s teaching them how to live the theory of their character education in their everyday lives. Focus on helping them to develop personal conviction, teaching them how to make good decisions even when faced with peer pressure or other difficult situations, and building lines of open communication so that you will be able to guide them through the circumstances they will encounter. ![]() What is the greatest weakness in most families? According to Dr. James H. Bossard, a former professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania who spent 40 years probing what he called "neglected areas of family life," it is the way parents talk in front of their children. After studying extensive recordings of table talk, he wrote, "I had no idea I would discover a real pattern in the [mealtime] conversation of families. I just wanted to learn what families talked about, but to my amazement I have found that family after family had definite, consistent conversational habits, and that the critical pattern was the most prevalent. "These families rarely had a good word to say about anyone. They carped continuously about friends, relatives, neighbors—almost every aspect of their lives, from the lines of people in the supermarket to the stupidity of their bosses. "This constant negative family atmosphere had a disastrous effect on the children, because a high percentage of [these families'] children were antisocial and unpopular. And this pattern of the family's hostility many times turned to quarreling amongst themselves. Without fail, their meals were a round of insults and bickering. The children absorbed that pattern, and it caused the children trouble. "Long ago," Dr. Bossard continued, "a great Teacher pointed out that what comes out of the mouth is a great deal more important than that which goes in to it." That Teacher was Jesus, and that wisdom is found in Matthew 15:11. Words flowing from a soul filled with God's Spirit of love will have a magnetic quality that will draw others. When the heart is burning with divine love, you don't need to try to put pathos or tenderness into your conversation. All your words will have a savor and a power that comes from an inner depth. The root of the problem isn't actually the tongue, but the heart. Words only convey what's in the heart. "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things" (Matthew 12:35). There is no way under the sun to change the quality of our words except to change the spirit from which those words flow. There has to be a change of heart. If you need such a change of heart, begin by praying. Then as you spend time with Jesus, the fountain of all goodness and kindness and gentleness, you'll soon find your words to be a greater influence for good in the lives of those nearest and dearest to you. By Virginia B. Berg, courtesy of Activated magazine. Used with permission.
![]() Parenting has never been easy, but all parents have one great thing going for them from day one: Their children love and look up to them more than anyone else in the world. This is an important part of the grand scheme of things, because while your children are a gift from Heaven, they are a work in progress. It’s your job to help them grow into loving, responsible adults. The love and respect your children feel for you are inborn, but they aren’t static. They increase or diminish day by day according to how you interact with your child, so don’t betray their trust. Set the kind of example they will be proud to follow. If you want your children to be outgoing and genuinely concerned about others, be that way yourself. If you want them to be unselfish, be unselfish. If you want them to be honest, be honest. If you want them to be optimistic and solution-oriented, let them see you approach life’s challenges and disappointments positively. If you want them to have thankful hearts, thank and praise God for His goodness at every turn. *** Try to set a good example.—not of some kind of a perfect, sinless saint which your child may feel he could never measure up to, but of an honest, happy, humble example of a friend and loving parent, someone whom kids can look up to and trust. You have to try to be what you want your children to be. Children are great mimics, and this is largely how they learn, by imitation. Children seldom forget what they see. They go more by what they see than by what they hear, more by your actions than just your words. Children will learn more from your actions and even your attitudes than they will from what you say! Think of what you would like to be in the eyes of your child and be that parent! Courtesy Aurora Productions / TFI. Used with permission.
Excellent parenting tips that can apply to children of all ages. Courtesy of Tommy's Window. ![]() Motherhood is the most important job there is. If you don’t believe that, try asking a few people who had the greatest influence on them while they were growing up. It doesn’t matter who you ask, from the humblest to the greatest, the most frequent answer by far will be, “My mother.” Today’s mothers-and that includes you-are shaping the people who will shape tomorrow’s world. Your children will grow up to be world changers. They may not have an impact on the whole world, but they will have an effect on the world of those around them, for better or for worse. It’s your responsibility to set your children on the right path. * Children are not born with knowledge of the virtues. They must learn what they are. * Attaining virtue is like so much else in life: It takes lots of practice. By putting virtues into action over and over again, we help them take root. Eventually they become second nature—they become part of one’s character. * Your family is the first and most important school of morality. Home is where your child comes to know right and wrong through the nurturing and protective care of those who love him/her more than anyone else. Teachers should be allies in this endeavor, but they cannot be substitutes. Schools cannot replace parents in the crucial task of molding character in the young. * Teach your children to care deeply about the good. * “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” - Proverbs 22:6 * You may feel insignificant in the grand scheme of life, but you are daily creating the world that tomorrow’s children will live in. Each decision you make helps to shape the legacy that will be left to them. * Today’s children are tomorrow’s leaders. How today’s parents train their children determines the future of the world. * Invest in your children. Give them your time, your attention, your love. They are the future. * Whatever you teach a child, whether it’s through your words or through your actions, lives on forever in his or her heart. * Put a premium on giving your children and young people the well-rounded upbringing they need and deserve. * If you set the right example for your children during their formative years, those bonds of love and respect will be unbreakable. And your children will grow into adults whom you can be proud of. Quotations from William Bennett, "The Educated Child", "Mottos for Success" desktop quote book and "From Jesus with Love - For Women"
![]() By Mary Roys, a parenting life coach in Southeast Asia Each December I ask my children, Toby and Kathy, now seven and nine, to go through their toys and clothes and set aside what they have outgrown or no longer use. Then I check what they’ve selected, weeding out worn-out items and exercising my veto power in a few cases, and box up the best of the rest to give to others who have less than we do. Besides instilling in the children a spirit of giving, I have found this to also be an effective way to trim down on clutter and put “gently used” items that they no longer need or want to good use. Last Christmas both of my children seemed more materialistic about the holiday—more focused on the presents they were hoping to receive, and less inclined toward giving. I wondered why, as well as whether or not they were aware of their change in attitude. I decided to take an indirect approach. “What do you think is the true meaning of Christmas?” Of course they knew that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus’ birthday, but they stopped at that. “On the first Christmas, did God give us only His rejects?” I asked. “No,” Toby replied thoughtfully. “He gave us the very best He had—His most special treasure.” “And that is the true spirit of Christmas,” I explained. “To give of our best to others, like God gave us His best to us.” The kids thought about this for a bit and then came up with a plan to give away some of their favorite toys, rather than just the ones they were tired of. Toby chose to give some of his favorite Matchbox cars, and Kathy decided to give one of her dolls. We packed these with the rest of the items we had set aside, and I took the children with me when I dropped off our Christmas donations. Instilling values in my children is one of my greatest responsibilities as a parent, and teaching them to think of others before themselves is a big part of that. Giving sacrificially shouldn’t be a once-a-year occurrence, of course, but Christmas is a perfect opportunity. Originally published in Activated! magazine. Used with permission.
![]() Personal Care and Self-sufficiency The more you can help your toddler learn to be self-sufficient and able to care for himself early in life, the more time you will have for doing other things together. Be prepared that when your little ones are first learning to do these things for themselves, it can seem to take forever—and can be frustrating if you’re trying to go somewhere. The solution is to slot plenty of time and try to let them do it as much as possible. (Of course, there will be times when you have to do it for them, but they usually don’t like those times so much!) Learning to protect and take care of their own bodies involves training and practice. Young children need repeated personal health, hygiene, and safety lessons in almost every area of life: washing up; care of teeth, hair, and clothing; cleaning ears (using nothing smaller than a washcloth on a finger); using the bathroom and washing their hands each time; learning how to use buttons, buckles, snaps, and zippers; combing or braiding hair; polishing shoes; dressing; learning how to eat nicely; learning how to cross streets safely, etc. Social Development (Care for and Consideration of Others) There are many practical and social skills that small children can learn. Learning these skills helps direct some of their energies into positive pursuits, and makes them feel needed and an important part of a family team or work effort. Begin teaching children consideration for others at an early age. For example, they should learn to respect other people’s privacy, say please and thank you, say excuse me when they need to interrupt others, learn to greet new people, and to be less vocal when other conversations are going on. Learning to set the table properly is another part of caring for others. Small children can learn how to prepare and serve food and drinks, such as juice or milk or simple sandwiches. It’s best to use unbreakable serving pitchers, plates, and drinking cups. Have a tea party with your toddler. You can use water, milk, juice, or herbal tea rather than caffeinated tea. Encourage young children to do good things for others. Work with them to prepare a special surprise for someone they love or who needs some extra love and attention. Children enjoy doing deeds of kindness, as it is very rewarding. Being kind and considerate is learned largely from seeing good examples and from being expected and encouraged to be that way themselves. Children quickly learn to want to do helpful things for others, to tidy up when Mommy is feeling under the weather, to bring Daddy his slippers, etc. Reward them with a large measure of love when they show others kindness and consideration, and praise them and thank them for the good they do. This reinforces good behavior and encourages them to develop good manners. Excerpted from the book "Keys to Toddlers and Preschoolers", by Derek and Michelle Brooks. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission.
Children need—and appreciate—a clearly defined standard of behavior. Often misbehavior is just a child crying out, “Show me the way!” Here are some tried and proven parenting basics:
1. Set clear boundaries. Set clear boundaries as to what your children are allowed to do at home, and set reasonable punishments for crossing them. You may not have much control over what goes on outside your home, but you can set the standard for acceptable behavior and attitudes inside your own house. 2. Create a link of honest, open communication with your children. If your children are honest with you, you have a much better chance of knowing what goes on when they are away from home. They should feel that they can tell you anything. You may not always agree or allow them to do everything they want to, but they shouldn’t be afraid to confide in you. The secret of establishing such communication is to learn to listen. As a parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is your sincere interest in them and their problems, as evidenced by your undivided attention whenever it’s needed. By simply listening—really listening—you are telling your child: “I want to understand and help you. I think you are worth listening to, and I want you to know that I have faith in you. You can always talk to me because I love you.” Ask questions. When communicating with children—or with anyone, for that matter—asking questions helps to draw them out and shows your concern and interest in them. Get them to talk. And when they are asking you questions, be careful not to overly philosophize, pontificate, or pretend to be something you’re not. Just stay simple! Show love and understanding. And avoid offering any advice that you wouldn’t want to apply to yourself. Learn to present your advice or answers in ways that are as easy as possible for them to accept. 3. Find a balance in what to allow and disallow. Pray for God’s guidance as to what activities are harmless, which ones you need to monitor and limit, and which ones you need to forbid. You will need to find a good balance in the things you allow your children to do, especially when they are away from home. Completely forbidding your older children and teenagers to do certain things might not work and could cause them to rebel and do it anyway behind your back. It may be better to agree on reasonable limits together, and then hold your children to them. 4. Don’t be overly alarmed by outward appearances. Don’t be overly alarmed by behavior that’s different but not bad or harmful. If you show yourself tolerant of things that are perhaps not to your own liking but are basically harmless, then your children will be more apt to comply when you put your foot down about other things that are definitely wrong. You might not like the way your preteen daughter dresses, for example, but that’s not the issue in her eyes. Fitting in with her peers is. Ask God to help you see beyond surface appearances and to give you patience and self-restraint to let relatively trivial matters pass. 5. Expect and allow a certain amount of experimentation. Not all experimentation is bad; it plays a big part in the growing-up process. Try not to overreact when your older children say or do what to you is the unthinkable. Quite often children like to be shocking just for the sake of it, hoping to get a rise out of you. If you show yourself able to take things in stride, many issues will resolve themselves on their own. 6. Let your children know you love them unconditionally. Children who get their needs for love and attention filled at home have far fewer problems. Assure your children that you will continue to love them no matter what they do, and that you will be there for them. Part of that love is not allowing them to do things that you know to be harmful, but at the same time reassuring them that you will never stop loving them. When your children put you to the test and find that your love holds even when they displease you, this helps them feel secure. They will then be more likely to stand up against negative peer pressure and make the right decision next time. 7. Get to know and accept your children’s friends. Win the respect and friendship of your children’s friends, and they may find your home a welcome retreat. The noise level and food bill may go up, but at least you’ll have peace of mind in knowing where your children are and what they’re up to. If you are generally accepting of your children’s friends, then if on occasion you have to limit their association with a particular boy or girl who is affecting them negatively, they’ll be more likely to comply with your wishes. 8. Minimize ungodly influences. Select worthwhile movies, TV shows, music, and computer games for your children when they are young and you still hold the remote control. They may rebel or be drawn to less godly amusements later, but you will have given them a good foundation. Discuss such recreational activities with your older children and make choices together, as much as possible. If your children understand and respect your reasons for not allowing a certain thing, they will be much more apt to comply when you’re not watching. Of course, it is also important to help provide alternative activities that are both fun and worthwhile. 9. Teach your children to have conviction. In order to stand up against negative influences and peer pressure, your children need to know how to explain and defend what they believe—what they consider right or acceptable, and why. They may not always see eye to eye with you, but if they understand your position on the issues and see you have conviction, they will be more likely to buck negative peer pressure. It will also help them know how to explain you to their friends. You can’t expect your children to always do the right thing in difficult situations, but praise them when they do have the conviction to do so. Let them know you understand how difficult that is, and that you’re proud of them. 10. Teach your children consideration. How you treat others, and especially your children, greatly influences how they will treat others. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you are talking to your children: “How would I feel if someone were treating me or talking to me the way I am to my child now? Am I thoughtful about how I talk about other people in front of, or within earshot of my children? Do I tease my children or make fun of them or make jokes about them that could make them feel bad?” Children often argue among themselves—contradicting, belittling, or criticizing what the other has said. Sometimes they are just arguing to be arguing or trying to show their superiority by putting the other one down. Children need to learn that it is not good to put themselves up as being better than someone else. Unless instructed and corrected, children can be especially unkind toward people who have handicaps or obvious physical differences, particularly other children. Learning what not to say and when to ignore something is a very important lesson that children need to learn early in life. Teach your children to treat others as they would like others to treat them should they have that same problem or be in that same embarrassing situation. Often when children realize in some personal way how their actions hurt others, they are more careful about what they say and do, and are generally more thoughtful of others. Excerpted from the book "Keys to Kids" by Derek and Michelle Brooks. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission. |
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